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What would you do if you were in pain all the time? If you had to decide between being overweight, in pain all the time, and in agony some of the time, or in being in pain all the time and agony a good amount of the time, which would you choose? It's not an easy choice, nor is it an easy life.
No, it’s not easy, but could it be worse? Yes. The fact that most of the pain comes on with no true cause and it's hard for others to understand what you're going through. You cringe because your toe feels like someone's running an electric current through it and your friends stare at you with looks of sympathy. Or is it disbelief? You grimace as you limp from you office toward the bathroom, your thigh feeling like there's a shard of glass lodged in your femur, and your co-workers stare at you with curiosity. Do they believe you? Or do they think you're just trying to get attention? Unless you possess the ability to read minds you’ll never know.
Hi. My name is Rebecca, and I have two incurable ailments – Endometriosis and Fibromyalgia. My medical problems are likely the result of bad genes. In my family a fair number of us have been born with anomalies in our internal organs. Too many of this, not enough of that. For me, it was one kidney instead of two, and instead of one uterus I had two. One of those uteri spilled blood into my abdomen throughout the years and in 1997 I became extremely ill. Over a two-month period I went from feeling very happy and healthy to having two emergency operations, one to remove an ovary, the other to remove the problematic uterus that was for some reason left in after the first operation.
Shortly after those operations I began to realize that the pain I was feeling didn’t seem to be symptomatic of my illness. My back hurt all the time, but that’s to be expected. What didn’t make sense was when I’d get into a car, try to put the seatbelt on, and feel like I’d torn a muscle in my chest. Or when it felt like an invisible person had hit me in the shin with a lead pipe, stabbed me in the thigh, or tried to give me a spinal tap. I was also suddenly becoming hypersensitive to pain. If my cat tried to walk across my lap it hurt. If someone playfully poked me in the arm it was excruciating.
And clothes really began to drive me nuts! My family will say that I was always picky, and they’d be right. I always hated the feet on my pajamas, socks with the seam inside, jeans. After I got sick things got even worse. Now I can’t wear shoes with even the slightest heel. I can’t wear shoes with arches. Actually, my feet have a tendency to cause my feet to swell to the point where I can barely bend my toes, so I have to buy shoes that are at least a size too big, and are roomy enough to accommodate the swelling. I get my pants from the pajama sections of clothing stores, and I am constantly struggling to put together makeshift bras since the real things are out of the question. I don’t know about anyone else, but commercials about “comfortable bras” drive me nuts! And don’t get me started on the “have a happy period,” slogan. The person that came up with that has obviously never known anyone with Endo!
Anyway, my life has been extremely challenging over the past 11 years to say the least. But, I’m an Aries and I was born in the year of the Ox, so it should come as no surprise that I’m just about as stubborn as can be. So, since I am a stubborn person, I refuse to allow my illnesses to completely control my life. I still work, but it is hard. I have a heat/massage chair cover at work, and I have a heating pad too. I limp a lot, I cringe a lot, and I say, “OW!” a lot. Luckily for me I have a boss who understands and is sympathetic to my plight. Actually, I think that what I’ve lost in physical abilities I’ve gained in mental sharpness. That can be a great thing at work, but it’s also a pain when I’m trying to get to sleep. Does anyone else yell at themselves to stop when their brains are on overdrive? I sure hope not.
In addition to my day job I enjoy writing. It’s not easy to keep myself energized enough to write consistently, so I’m not as far along with my novels as I’d like to be, but I’m also not in any kind of hurry to get published. I had a realization a couple of years ago that I could write my own story and help people by sharing it. It seems that I got the most benefit out of sharing my story initially, as I found a new friend who helped me find confidence in myself that I don’t believe I could have found without her. I know we helped each other in different ways, and I’ll always be grateful for the friendship we shared, but as you go through life friends come and go and eventually she went. It was hard having our friendship end, but it may have been the thing I needed to push me in the right direction.
I now have a whole new outlook on life. I don’t wonder, “Why me?” I believe I know the answer. Every challenge, hardship, and tragedy comes with a chance to make a make a difference. You can feel sorry for yourself or you can do something. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself, so I decided to do something. Since I received positive responses from those who had read my story I decided to start writing a novel that was based on events from my own life. I’ve finished writing the first novel and have begun writing a couple of sequels, but I’m not quite ready to publish that first book. It still needs some editing work and then there’s challenge of finding an agent or self publishing or going through a smaller publishing company. It’s not going to be easy, but so far I’ve received good reviews from friends and co-workers who’ve read my drafts, so I know that I’m on the right track.
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